Excerpt from Draft of Project 1:
He’s a staple of the middle school science classroom. His narrow face is accented so wonderfully by his bow tie, and his well-groomed hair is graying so eloquently. Most of us know him from his poplar TV show from the 90’s, in which he presented science in an invigorating and understandable way for kids. He’s a little quirky in the show, but he’s more than just the comedic “science guy”. Outside of the classroom set for the show, Nye is an educator, mechanical engineer, author, and inventor. Nye has a wide variety of interests, but you can bet that if it’s related to science, he’s there. The man has a goal of his own: to promote the inclusion of evolution and science in education. This gives him the motivation to debate with all his heart.
Revision:
Middle school kids recognize him by his bowtie and graying hair. He's best known for his poplar 90's TV show Bill Nye the Science Guy. He’s a little quirky, but his teaching engages kids in science. Separate from his comedic side, Nye is an educator, mechanical engineer, author, and inventor. Nye takes interest in all things science. The man has a goal of his own: to promote the inclusion of evolution and science in education. This is his motivation for the debate.
Better/Worse?
The revision is definitely quite shorter and more to-the-point. It removes a lot of fluff, which I think is good; fluff doesn't belong in a QRG. But a downside to go against that upside: because we are encouraged to describe the stakeholders vividly and paint a picture, I feel like the revision might lose a little of its descriptive quality that I had aimed for. I think as I revise, I will need to find a middle ground between the two versions of this paragraph.
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